(Twilight Zone theme music) You're standing in the grocery store... there it is again! You turn to your left... then to your right! You can't get away! Everywhere you turn there's Kim Kardashian… Kim Kardashian… KIM KARDASHIAN!!!!! She's taking over!
Ugh… it pains me to even write about this but I feel something has got to be said. Why oh why oh why are my television channels and Internet completely CLOGGED with the goings on of this woman’s life? Why? Can someone please explain the importance of this to me?
I literally feel that this is an invasion of my life. That’s right, I said it. It’s an invasion of MY life… and I’ll tell you why. Everywhere that I turn for entertainment, I have to see this woman with her big doe eyes, long fake lashes, and black extensions looking at me. Whether it’s on my television screen, on the internet, or all the magazines in the grocery store, I see this woman’s face plastered all over everything like it’s breaking news. I ride the train to work, there she is! I pick up the Express (local DC newspaper), there she is! At work, they're talking about her, there she is again! Damn it, is it even safe to use the bathroom without seeing her? I'm almost afraid. I’m beginning to feel like she’s stalking me… trying to force me to be interested in her world. Should I get a restraining order?
*Sigh, get this, Miss Kardashian, I am in no way, shape, or form interested in the stupid decisions you make in your life. I wasn’t interested in the sex tape you made with Ray J… wasn’t interested in you being friends with Paris Hilton… wasn’t interested in your little reality show with your sisters, and yet, I can’t seem, for the life of me, to get away from you and your mess. It’s like America seems to think your big pile of nothingness is interesting. ARRRRRRRGH! To think I pay $130 a month for cable just to see some crap like this… What’s the world coming to?
I mean seriously, children in Africa are out there starving… the Republicans are going HAM on Barack… the poor little troops are waiting to come home from overseas who haven’t seen their families in who knows how long, but all the news can report to me on the state of affairs in America is that Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce after a 72 day farce of a marriage. I mean, does that sit well with everyone else?
Good Lord, woman. Here I am just waiting for a good man to come along and propose to me so I can have a great husband someday and share a great life, and your ass is out there making a mockery of marriage. Not only did we have to suffer through every channel on TV going on and on about your wedding (which I for one could care less about), now we have to suffer through it going on and on about your divorce? How about you go sit your little ass down somewhere and give us a break. Seriously, you could have done the world a great favor and donated the 2 mil you spent on your wedding to the school systems to get the kids new books and could have gotten just as much publicity. But oh no, blow it all on a wedding for a marriage in which you won’t sit still for even half a year.
I mean all these publicized weddings and direct views into people’s lives is getting ridiculous. Just when I thought I had gotten away from this mess, here comes something else. First I had to listen to them go on and on about Charlie Sheen. To tell you the truth, I’m still not 100% on what happened there. Didn’t care to listen to be quite honest… Then I had to listen to them go on and on about the Prince and Princess getting married over there in England. Newsflash! This is America. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t care what dress little Miss Middleton was going to wear. It was guaranteed to be ugly whatever she picked. And true to form, it was! Now this bull with the Kardashian girl. And to boot, in response to the Kardashian chick, you’ve got all these gay rights activists crying the blues because lil Kardashian can get married and divorced all in a matter of 72 days but they can’t get the government to agree to let them marry their partners for the rest of their lives. Poor things. I know it must be hell.
I don’t mean to be a cynical blog writer, here. I mean really, I’m all for a good love story and happily ever after, but this is just a hot, deep fried, nuclear mess. This is a woman who has become famous because her father helped defend a murderer along with the fact that she made a sex tape and was great friends with a billionaire heiress who also made a sex tape. This is the worst reason to be famous. And now you want us to sit around and listen to your fairytale wedding story all in the same quarter of the year as your divorce? What the bloody hell????? I mean, is America on drugs or what? Why are you broadcasting this to my television?
So in short, on behalf of all the sane people left in America, Kim Kardashian, please stop stalking us with your bull. We don’t care. And unless you’re going to donate some of the interview money you’re making to us, we don’t care to listen. So shut it up and go sit down somewhere!