Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Truth about Real Zombies

Hmm… do you ever think about Zombies and what you’d do if you actually met one?  Probably not, because if you’re like most “normal” people, something as silly as a Zombie has no place in your life; and unless you’re watching the Chiller channel or some B list movie that has horrible special effects where there’s some second rate actor eating the brains of a dead carcass, you probably don’t give Zombies any thought at all. And rightly so.  You’ve got more important things to think about like Obama’s national debt problem and that Casey Anthony trial that went left field out of nowhere.

But even though you might not be thinking about them, I’ve got news for you: Zombies are real. Now what do you think about that?  Oh, I’m not saying that those idiotic reanimated corpses that are sluggishly walking around town biting chunks of flesh out of people’s arms are real… that would be ridiculous, but there is such a thing as a real Zombie out there… theoretically speaking, of course.

Now, I don't claim to be an expert in the ways and culture of the Voodoo religion.  Hey, I’m not an expert on the ways and culture of any religion, but I’ve read up on the subject just a bit and the findings are a tad interesting… if not uncomfortable.  I’ve read that a Zombie can be created if the coup de poudre (a powerful powdered poison made from the toxins of a puffer fish) is ingested or absorbed through the skin.  Oh yeah, and this is usually carried out by people who are involved with the Voodoo religion.  No judgment!  Just saying… you won’t usually see a Baptist or Methodist handing out Zombie powder.  Now let’s think about that for a moment.  All it takes to make a Zombie is some really powerful, toxic powder.  Lord have mercy!  If the terrorists ever get a hold of a secret like that, the US is in big trouble.

Anyway, the way that it works is that the powder begins to affect the person's heart, slowing it down to an almost undetectable rate.  It then leaves that person completely paralyzed for at least 36 to 72 hours, making it appear that the person is dead.  Just what the world needs… another crazy ass powder that leaves you without the ability to move or function… as if there aren’t enough nonfunctioning assholes out there…  But even though the person is unable to move in addition to their extremely lowered heart rate, the person has full awareness of what’s going on around him or her.  Talk about torture…  If you do make it out alive, your head is probably all messed up watching everyone around you think that you're dead.  My head is messed up just thinking about it.

In most cases, the person is often buried alive and upon regaining “consciousness” it can look like the person is rising from the dead.  And what is a reanimated dead person but a Zombie?  It amazes me that anyone would actually set out to do this to another person, but this condition exists just the same.  It’s strange… and pretty insane, but true.  Of course, this type of thing would only work if the person wasn’t being embalmed.  Obviously if a mortician embalms you while you’re in this state, you’re gonna bite the big one for real and can kiss Zombie status goodbye.  But in under developed countries- particularly Haiti where this type of thing has happened on more than one occasion, dead bodies just aren’t embalmed.  That leaves a lot of room for the walking dead.

Now, there have been a few documented cases of Zombies roaming around in Haiti.  Maybe that’s why they don’t have the highest rate for tourism in the world…  I know I’m not gonna hop on a plane to a place where there are Zombies walking around all willy nilly.  Anyway, one of the most famous documented cases is that of Clairivius Narcisse.  Don’t take my word for it, Google him.  I suppose he’d done something to wrong someone or maybe he’d just made someone pretty angry, but someone (probably a sorcerer they call a bokor) gave him a dose of Zombie powder and turned him into a Zombie.  I think the whole point of this is to enslave the person… maybe enslave their soul, but then again, I don’t really know.  But it is claimed that Narcisse was declared dead in 1962, but when he returned home in 1980, he was pretty “Zombied out.” 
I hear that others aren’t always quite as lucky as Narcisse, who seemed to retain his sanity.  A lot of other Zombies suffer brain damage from lack of oxygen while buried alive and seem to wander about aimlessly with no recollection of who they are or where they’re from.  Sheesh!  That’s an awful way to spend life… or can you even call it that?  I suppose once you’re declared dead and buried, life has ended right?

My advice to everyone out there is to stay on the good foot.  Don’t make anybody mad.  If you thought Hannibal Lecter was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet.  You never know who has the power out there to put you on Zombie status and I’m pretty sure you’re not trying to find out.  Keep it polite out there, ya’ll! The US doesnt need Zombies... we've got enough scary stuff going on... like Republicans and OJ. 

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