Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Vending Machines

What comes to mind when you think of vending machines?  Sodas?  Chips?  Maybe even a bottle of aspirin?  I bet your first thought won’t be of a man.  But let me tell you, men are nothing but vending machines when you get right down to it…  and I don’t mean a standard operating vending machine either.   No, I’m talking about that worthless piece of junk that sucks in your money but the soda gets stuck before it can come out.  Yeah… that infuriating thing… that’s a man… an inconstant, irresponsible, inconsistent man.
                Now you’re probably wondering, how in the world does that correlate?  I mean, men and vending machines?  That just doesn’t compute.  Hmph, take a closer look honey because when you have a waffling man on your hands, you don’t have anything but a damn vending machine.  Let me explain…
                Patricia Johnson was a successful business woman… the first black woman in her marketing firm to make partner.  She and her fiancĂ©, James, had been together for five years and had just made the major decision to buy a house together.  Life couldn’t be better.  That is until the shit hit the fan…  Suddenly Patricia’s success reflects badly on James as a man… or maybe he’s just suddenly dissatisfied... who knows what the problem was?  Whatever the problem, Patricia’s life is never going to be the same when she arrives home to find that James is gone.  Not a word of warning… not a note on the floor.  Just an apartment completely empty of everything that belonged to the love of her life.
                Sounds like a devastating situation doesn’t it?  I can assure you, she was pretty devastated.  But the kicker was when she went on Facebook to find that just a few weeks after he’d left her, James had hooked up with a hot, young, sexy thing and was in a new committed relationship!  Just look how happy and in love they look in those pictures!  Now how in the hell had that happened?
                What Patricia didn’t understand was that James was nothing but a vending machine, and you’ve got to be on the look-out for those things because they don’t come with a warning sign.  You spend years feeding quarters into that machine expecting to get the “prize” in the end, and you get nothing…  Oh you can see the prize getting closer and closer to finally popping out, but it’s not there just yet.  You figure maybe if you bang on the front of it a bit, that prize might just fall out.  But no… it’s stuck, and no amount of banging or putting in more money is going to make it budge.  It’s stubborn and you can’t do a damn thing with a stubborn vending machine.  So you give up!  You walk away.  You figure hey, I’ll find another machine to get my prize.  Or even better, I’ll just go into a store where it’s a guarantee that I’ll get my prize and be done with it.  But just as you’re walking away, Little Miss Video Vixen walks up to that machine with a bit of swag in her walk and she puts in a nickel… not even a quarter,  a nickel… and low and behold, that prize pops right out!  She got your prize!  And as much as you want to slap the taste out of her mouth for doing what you couldn’t, with less effort, it’s not her fault.  It’s that damn vending machine… that inconstant, irresponsible, inconsistent man.  Ugh!
                That’s not to say that all men are that broken down, hunk of junk vending machine.  No.  To the contrary, there are a lot of men out there who are top notch… those VM5000’s, the newest technology in vending machines.  You put in a quarter and bam!  Your prize pops right out with little effort.  And it’s a great machine too!  It’s attentive.  It gets your sodas nice and super cold for ya and even gives you a straw to go with it.  That’s a helluva machine.  But let me tell you, they are hard to find.  Most of what’s walking around out there is that machine from the 70’s… the dusty one that gives you bent up cans that are piss warm.  That’s the man that Patricia had.  Keep your eyes peeled, ladies…  Keep on the look-out for those VM5000’s because those 70’s vending machines just aren’t hittin’ and holdin’ anymore.