Friday, July 19, 2013

A Well Deserved Rant Against Your Neighborhood Overzealous Religious Person

*disclaimer- if you are a religion fanatic who does not have an open mind and only listens to yourself, please do NOT read this post.  It will only frustrate you and make you angry.  Not my intention by any means, but this author has no filter at all and I'm not going to start now just because people are sensitive.  When I speak, it's going to be what I feel.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  That being said, HAPPY READING! :)

          Self righteous, judgmental, snooty, stuck-up, and plain ole socially unattractive… words to describe who, you wonder?  Could it be your mother-n-law?  Your teacher?  The village idiot perhaps?  No.  I’m gonna take it a step further and piss everybody off and say that this is your Neighborhood Overzealous Religious Person.  Yep.  You guessed it!  That person who is always judging your actions with their nose high in the air as if something smells foul and shitty, telling you that everything you do, every word you speak, and every move you make is unholy, heathenous, (did I make that word up?), hell condemning behavior.
                Now before I say any more and find myself tarred and feathered or even worse, my head rolling at the guillotine in the middle of the village square, let me go on the record as saying I absolutely LOVE God, have a great relationship with HIM, talk to HIM almost daily (I say almost because I’m not perfect and don’t talk to him everyday… but almost), and I can tell you for sure that HE loves me as HIS child.  That being said, I am NOT the type of spiritual person who walks around condemning every little thing that other people do, even if I do find it morally wrong.  This is something that I really can’t stand about those persons who get so into church that they become “too good” for us regular folks aka sinners.  Oh wait, newsflash, they’re sinners too because no one is without sin.  Obviously they didn’t get the memo.
                Now I’m all for doing the right thing.  I think that most Christians or spiritual people (whether they identify as Christian or not) consciously try to do the right thing.  I’m pretty sure that they don’t wake up and say “Hmm, what tom foolery and utter fuckery can I get into today so that I can send my soul to hell?”  Pretty sure none of us have ever said that to ourselves.  Generally we try to do the right thing.  We don’t always succeed at it because we are only human- which of course doesn’t give us a pass to knowingly do something wrong, but because we are sinners, let’s face it- it’s gonna happen.  That being said, if most of us are out there doing our best to try to be as righteous as we can, how is it that we come to be judged by these Neighborhood Overzealous Religious Persons?  And when did they get to be so perfect that they never make any mistakes and have the right to judge another?  I do believe the saying goes: those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. And honey, your house is as glass as it gets!  I can see right through you!
          Oh it angers me to no end that they can sit there and tell you just how ungodly you are and just how much you need Jesus because you are a heathen and they are golden in the eyes of the Lord.  Sister Girl Honey Boo Boo Child, let me tell your ass something- you’re just as much of a heathen as I am.  You may have changed your life, and I commend you for that no doubt, but you have done some down right terrible things just like the rest of us have.  Is there a reason that you’re looking at me with your nose stuck in the air like your shit doesn’t stink?  Cause I can tell you right now, it smells like an elephant dropped a load.  Now don’t get me wrong, God may have forgiven you.  But guess what, if I asked for forgiveness, HE forgave me too so you’re no better than me.  I may curse, I may have sex without marriage, I may eat too much at dinner, lust after some man I’ve seen, had a slight tinge of jealousy when I saw something I wanted, or even liked the way I look in the mirror so much that I put on an extra swipe of lipstick, but you better believe I’m just as loved by the Man Upstairs as you are.  And if I’m to be judged, it’s gonna be by HIM and certainly not you!
          If we are close (and we better be damn close for you to even be analyzing me this way), and you think I have done something morally wrong, by all means tell me.  But DO NOT preach to me.  Don’t do that because you have no right to judge.  We should never judge others because I find that a lot of times we make the decisions that we deem best for us at the time. And those things may be wrong and we may have to live with our choices, but MOST of the time, we don’t do things with malice in our hearts.  And I find that most of us when put in similar situations wouldn’t do anything much different from the person we’re judging.  That’s why it’s not a good thing to judge.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t tell a person that what they are doing is wrong, or offer to help them change their lives.  If you feel you want to bring someone closer to God, offer to do so.  Do it in a way that is non-confrontational and without criticism.  People are more receptive to positivity than negativity.  That’s just a fact.  But let’s not ram your judgment and preachy words down our throats, force feeding us like they do in those torture chambers.  
                I say all that to say this: I’m happy for anybody who has a great relationship with God.  I know I love the one I have with HIM.  I’m happy for anybody who gets into the church and betters their life.  Tell your story of how God has helped you.  That’s so positive and uplifting.  But I swear if you don’t shut the hell up with all that unsolicited judgment you’re doling out, I’m pretty sure someone is going to slap the pure hell out of you eventually.  And as morally corrupt as it is, I’m going to laugh!  That’s right- she went there- my imperfect, sinning ass, is going to sit there and laugh!  I admit it!  And I may have to ask God to forgive me for it, but hey I’m a person, not a saint.  And guess what, neither are you.
Still love you though!  Love thy neighbor! 
Tootles!
-Ari

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Nobody's Checkin' For The Fat Girl

Fat, hefty, rotund, chubby, thicka than a snicka- all words and phrases used to describe females (like myself) who are just a bit larger than a chicken bone.  Hey, I always thought it was good to have nice thick thighs, breasts, and hips with a side of ass to go with it.  Sounds like a Hammer to me!  But then again, I'm a female- a heterosexual female at that, so I suppose I dont really know what goes on in the eyes or heads of men.  In my thirty years of existence, and only 12 of those years have a I been a dating adult, I've found that being "thicka than a snicka" ain't exactly getting me any play with the fellas.  What kills me about that is you dont necessarily have to be fat to be branded that way.  Hell, I'm a size 10- hardly something that you need to roll on to The Biggest Loser, and yet by societal standards, I'm overweight for my height and have been deemed sexually undesirable by Cosmopolitan magazine (just my opinion so dont go trying to sue a sister).  Now ain't that bout a bitch?

So it got me to wondering, what makes these skinny girls and model chicks so hot?  For one, I can see your bones.  Yeah, you heard me- I can see your bones, boo!  When I see the bones of a child, I think I need to call CPS because the mama is starving him.  Does that same logic not apply to adults?  If I can play Chopsticks with your ribs, you might need a sandwich, honey.  Just saying. And wouldn't sex be uncomfortable?  Somehow I dont think it's sexy to have a hip bone sticking into somebody's side.  That sounds a little painful and might mess with the whole orgasm process... or at least I would think it would.  What about curves in a dress?  Sharp edges in a form fitting dress is certainly not cute... or is that IN this year?  You know I dont know.

Okay so yeah, I'm going to go ahead and commit treason to my fellow fat girls and admit that it would be as grand as a piano to have a flat tummy.  I'm not going to sit here and lie like I wouldnt be strutting around like a Peacock with new feathers if I had one, but my total package, in my opinion, is more than just the tummy.  I dont have an ass... I'll admit that.  So that's a strike on my part, but at least it has shape.  When I bend it over, you've got a great view.  The breasts and legs are on point, so I've got that in my favor.  Isn't it better to look at something full than at knobby knees attached to string bean legs? 

Now don't get me to lying by saying that all small girls look like they've been held hostage in a cellar somewhere starving.  That's not it.  On the contrary, I've seen beautiful women who are small with curves who are killing the game right now.  Word up, they look good and they have me shaking my head thinking, "Damn I need to get myself together."  That being said, let's not sleep on the thicker girls out there.  We have just as much sex appeal to offer as the small girls, but I find that we don't get as much play.  Why is that?  How has the media- television, music videos with half naked hoes dancing all around rappers, and magazines full of perfectly proportionate skinny girls changed the way we view people?  Now, thanks to society's views, we all have to look a certain way just to get ahead.  Even me- I've bought into the horrible hype, sacrificing the food I love so much just to get myself looking the way I need to in order to be successful as a visible writer.  I feel like a sellout.  And while I am happy to be healthy by doing this, at the same time I'm worried about losing my curves that I love so much that earned me the name Fat Girl in the first place.  Hey!  Say what you want, being a Fat Girl is where it's at. 

That's okay though.  I'll let the skinny girls win this round because us Fat Girls will win in the end.  And yes it's kind of a competition.  Only the strong survive out there.  I've gotta find myself a husband.  Hopefully he wont be one of those skinny lovers lol.  But any man worth his salt knows to stick with the Fatty.  In the case of nuclear holocaust and starvation takes over, the skinny broad'll be the first to go.  She has no insulation to get her through the winter, and no fat for her body to live off of.  Haha!  Oh well.  I guess until then, Nobody's Checkin' For The Fat Girl!

*This blog post is written to poke fun at women in general, and no harm is meant by any of the sarcastic things I say so please don't take offense*