Friday, August 8, 2014

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate: I love Him, He Loves Me... Not?

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate: I love Him, He Loves Me... Not?

               So you’ve been looking at him with dreamy eyes, thinking it and wanting to say it, but wondering if it’s the right time.  Wondering if it’ll be received, and even more so if it’s reciprocated…  He’s laughing at something you said and you can’t help but think how cute his dimples are.  So what should you do now?  Everything has been going great, and with every day that passes, your feelings for him grow stronger and stronger.  The words are right there on the edge of your lips.  You’re just dying to tell him.  So you hype yourself up, convincing yourself that of course he’d want to know, why wouldn’t he?  And you blurt it out, “I love you!”  (insert womp,womp,womp music here-->).
you gonna say something or nah?
                Amazing feeling right?  You finally said it!  But then reality comes flooding in… the seconds are ticking by as you wait to see some type of reaction from him.  You may not have deluded yourself into thinking he’s going to say it back, but you do hope to see some type of response whether it be a smile, a “yes I love you too”, or even a “sorry, kid, can’t say I feel the same way” (hey at least you’d know where you’d stand if he did say that, right?).  Tick, tock, tick, tock… time is ticking away and nothing.  Not a thing.  Not a single solitary thing- no expression, no words, not even a sniffle.

                The big ole smile you had plastered on your face that was so full of light and hope, now fades slowly as you suddenly realize you’ve just screwed up majorly.  Not only did you put yourself out there and expose your most vulnerable feeling- one that you’ve spent so much time protecting, but you’re also the only one (or at least it appears that way) who has that vulnerable feeling and willing to display it.  He’s looking at you (or possibly looking somewhere else ‘cause honestly, who wants to be confronted with this?) and he sees you’re waiting for him to say something.  Clumsily, he fixes his mouth to respond, and oh how profound it is when he blurts out “okay, cool,” or “interesting,” or “you hungry” as he grabs for another handful of spicy Doritos.  Either way, he has completely avoided saying anything with meaning at all and you’re left feeling like the biggest jackass this side of the Mississippi.
oh yeah, she looks pretty pissed

                Now why is that?  Why is it a mistake to tell someone that you love them if that’s genuinely how you feel?  Is it because they didn’t say it back or because they didn’t say anything at all?  Or is it because they didn’t even acknowledge it one way or the other?  This is just one of those things that so many ladies out there deal with.  And when we’ve finally put our hearts on the table and found the raw courage to even take a cautious step towards love, I can’t help but wonder, are we ladies emotional sadomasochists?  Are we thriving on the humiliation of being the only person with feelings ready to embarrass ourselves at a moment’s notice with a declaration of love?  It hurts so good, doesn’t it?

                So with no response (or some semblance of a noncommittal, vague one, whichever your guy gave you) you begin to second guess everything you thought about your situation with him.  You figure yes, you’ve had such a great time together and you spend so much time together that certainly by now he must feel something even if it’s only a morsel of something.  After all, he treats you like you’re a princess.  Then you begin to rationalize that hey, even if he didn’t respond, the way he treats you certainly says something for how he feels about you doesn’t it?  And boy do we try to convince ourselves there, but the truth is, we need to hear it.  All the rationalizing in the world won’t make up for a guy’s positive response to that totally embarrassing declaration you just made.
oh yes, this is happening right now...

I always find it rather hypocritical on the part of men that they would like women to be clear with them about the things they want because men aren’t mind readers.  He can’t read your mind, so we have to tell them what the situation is.  Hey, I can totally dig that!  They’re absolutely right, we should say what we want and not leave it up to guesses.  But in the same breath, when it comes to love, the first thing men will say is that “some things don’t have to be said, you should just know.”  Hmm… isn’t this a contradiction?  So you’re saying that you’re not a mind reader, but when it comes to you, I should be?  Yeah… no…

Warning! Confused girl on deck
             I know that we have all heard the school of thought that actions speak louder than words.  And I would wager that they do, but I think that whomever said that must have been a man.  The reality is, actions do show you a person’s intentions, but their words in conjunction with those actions help to clearly define what those actions actually mean.  This is where we all get mixed up.  Ladies will take a guy’s nice actions and think they mean one thing when they mean something else entirely.  Then we’re left holding the bag, cause like idiots, we assumed something that wasn’t even there (check out Gigi in He’s Just Not That Into You).  Of course when we ask or make our feelings known, we don’t get an answer there either, only further compounding our error.  Argh!!!! Is this shit as confusing to you as it is to me?

                So now that you’ve said the words and he hasn’t said a thing, you have to sit and wonder what the silence means (and good luck figuring that out).  I figure that it could mean one of three things.  1. He either feels the same way, but he’s not a verbal person and therefore plays his hand close to his chest.  That would mean that he probably isn’t going to respond to your courageous declaration anytime in the next millennium, but he will continue to try to show you through his actions (after all, expecting him to say it back is wayyyyyyyy too much pressure!), or 2.  He really doesn’t feel the same way, but thinks it’s better not to say anything because telling you he doesn’t feel the same way would hurt your feelings.  He may care enough about you not to want to hurt your feelings, but he certainly isn’t anywhere near the realm of love, and therefore doesn’t want the confrontation.  Whoo!  Too much pressure! Or 3. He would love to tell you that he doesn’t feel the same way, but thinks you’re going to make a movie (as in flip the hell out and act batshit crazy) or things’ll become awkward and it’ll mess with the status quo. 

                Now which one of those three answers is the possible real answer is left up to anybody’s guess, ‘cause honey, I’ll admit, I don’t have the slightest clue.  It's a puzzle that's for
welcome to the male mind...
damn sure.  But what can you, as a woman with feelings, do about it?  Nothing.  What you can do, is be realistic.  First and foremost, if you love him, it’s okay to tell him.  At least I think it is.  Nothing horrible can come from having genuine feelings for a person and letting them know.  Hey, the world needs more love anyway (isn’t that a song) BUT if those feelings are not reciprocated, leave it there.  I wouldn’t advise telling him a second time.  Trust me, he heard you the first time.  If he isn’t comfortable with responding, you definitely shouldn’t force the issue.  Feeling love is one thing, admitting it to the person you love is quite another, but making a fool of yourself, oh Lord!  Let’s not even entertain that.  Don’t make a fool out of yourself by continuously telling an unresponsive man that you love him.  For one, you look desperate.  Two, you look nuts.  And three, it’s creepy as all hell!  Control yourself please.

What you do with your feelings from there, however, is up to you.  I mean, if it’s really love
you feel, the feelings aren’t going anywhere and you’ll always feel them, but that doesn’t mean that you need to act on them.  Unrequited love is possibly the worst kind, but it is a manageable state if you are honest with yourself.  It’s kinda sad, and it feels sucky, but it’s a worse pain for him to lie to you or lead you on.  Unfortunately in this great big ole world of confused men and women, we have to take the sweets with the sourC’est la vie.  And one last cliché saying for the gipper, you can’t win em all… (For the record, I don’t even know who the gipper is…)

Now if you think there really could be some feeling in his heart for you, but he’s just stuck on what to say, you should give him some time to sort it out.  Men need time to process.  A lot of time… Unlike us ladies, they don’t just come up with answers right away.  I have no idea what they sit and think about, but it seems to be a trait of the gender that males take longer to process a woman’s words than it takes for us to process theirs.  And after a reasonable amount of time (I don’t know what reasonable is, but I’d say at most a week), I’d straight up ask him “hey, just a quick question about what I said to you about my feelings for you… do you honestly feel the same way, or not so much?” 

 I won’t lie, putting it out there like that is very blatant and guys don’t like those types of direct questions.  It’s pressure, and they hate pressure.  I certainly don’t advise pressuring them all the time.  It doesn’t end well, but sometimes you need to know what’s going on.  If you have come to a place where you feel you need to ask that question, prepare for the answer.  And I’ll be the first one to tell you, it may not be the answer you want.  You have to understand that going in.  You have to be ready to hear the absolute worse.  You have to understand that even asking that question may drive him away altogether.  That’s just the reality of it.  And hopefully, if he is a stand up guy and decent, he won’t take the easy route out by lying- he’ll actually tell you the un-sugarcoated truth (at least I hope he will… he may not, because as I said, they are all programmed to think we’ll make a hysterical movie if we hear the truth- realization hasn’t set in that we women are not newborn babies who throw temper tantrums).

                If you get good news or hear what it is you’d hoped to hear, be happy!  Rejoice!  Don’t ask him anymore pressuring questions and just enjoy your time with him.  After all, the guy loves you!  BUT, if you’re in the latter group and get the bad news, you have to take the “L” and keep it moving.  Don’t get angry.  There’s no need.  You can’t make anyone love you and it’s never anybody’s fault that they feel what they feel.  Feelings (or the lack thereof) is a natural thing.  If he doesn’t love you, respect that and let him be. 
Next, be thankful that you were capable of loving him in the first place.  After all, it’s a
great feat for you.  It’s what God put us on Earth to do.  When your heart is capable of feeling affection, care, and respect for another human being, it says a lot about who you are.  Be proud of yourself because it means you’re the good guy. 
Finally, don’t try to make him pay for not loving you.  Let him live.  Don’t slander him or talk bad about him or anything.  Sure you’re hurt, of course you are.  You love someone who doesn’t love you, but that doesn’t make him a bad person.  It just means it wasn’t meant to be.  Try to move on in the most positive way that you can.  That’s really all you can do.  It’s the womanly thing to do and let’s you have a bit of dignity about it. 

In conclusion, it’s true that the ongoing battle between men and women at this point is epic.  What we have here is literally a failure to communicate, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.  We women may put ourselves out there more- we may be sadomasochists for emotional punishment, but that’s what makes us women.  It’s our ability to feel.  Hopefully in time, someone will feel love for us in return, and God willing, he won’t be afraid to say so.  I always figured that if a man really loved you, he’d tell you, and if he didn’t, he wouldn’t, but I suppose in the grand scheme of things, perhaps it isn’t just that simple.  I don’t really know.  I do know that we shouldn’t give up though.  And if we do give up (because let’s face it, opening your heart to someone and losing can be a draining experience) at least try to be genuinely happy and positive for the happiness of others.  What else can ya do?

Good luck, ladies!
Arielle “Ari” Crowell


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Ready-Made, Pre-Packaged Wives (Just Add Water)

Ready-Made, Pre-Packaged Wives (Just Add Water)

          So, you’re into him.  He’s seemingly into you.  You guys have fun… you joke around all the time.  You get in the kitchen and cook together, then spontaneously have a food fight!  It leaves the two of you covered in flour looking like two ghosts with bright eyes as you both fall to the ground laughing so hard that your stomach hurts!  It’s absolutely wonderful isn’t it?  No stress, no drama, just easy breezy fun, Fun, FUN!  BUT, what happens when you say to him, “so, how do you feel about us being in a relationship?”  Next thing you know, you don’t hear from him for two days, then a week, until finally you are left wondering, WHAT HAPPENED??? 

            And if you guys have been kicking it for a long time, you’re actually kind of hurt.  You came to care about him and had all types of swirly, magical thoughts about WHAT IF you two were a couple?  How would it be if you were a family (or maybe I’m the only one who thinks that way, but I mean at 31, who doesn’t think that?  Not out to waste time here).  Certainly with how great you two were together, it would have at least crossed his mind once or twice, right? 
            Usually, I’d be the first one to post a big ole WRONG answer to that last question, but the truth is, I have absolutely no idea whether the guy thought about it or not.  The truth is, many of us ladies (especially those of us who came from a two parent home) are out here practicing being wives to men who have no intent on marrying us- or even committing to us to be a boyfriend for that matter...  The truth is, we’re wives with no men to marry.  We’re wives who are “just friends.”

            Now I find it very entertaining how many of us ladies have evolved to try to cope with this problem.  Being the strong creatures we are, we won’t let things keep us down for long before we somehow adapt to it.  As a result, many of us decided that we would simply become men and just “not give a damn” one way or the other, and we’d get our needs satisfied by whomever we deemed worthy and that was it.  No muss, no fuss, nothing serious-ever because guess what, we don’t need a man!  We’re fine on our own!  Yeah… right… 
She's a hybrid right? Sheesh Idk...
Then there are those other ladies who are hybrids.  They try to be men too, but secretly underneath it all, want a relationship.  But of course she can’t tell anyone because then she’d appear as that needy broad who hangs her happiness on finding or having a man.  Can’t be that chick so, she’ll go along with a guy’s program of “nothing serious,” or “we’re just friends” until they get so deeply involved that she can’t see a way out.  That’s where the pain comes in…  And it’s a dreadful situation to be in, believe me, but so many of us find ourselves right there while trying to pretend we really don’t care at all…. 
Then there is the other type of woman who is still a woman at heart with ideas and family fantasies, but is so jaded that she’s always expecting the other shoe to drop.  She goes along with the guy’s program, but she will eventually ask for more because she wants more.  But when she’s denied and rejected (because that’s basically what has happened when he says no), she isn’t surprised.  She shrugs it off and says whatever, and keeps on going.  After all, did she really expect him to want a relationship?  Not really.  They never do.  She’s hurt, sure, but what good would showing him do?  Might as well put the strong face on and keep on trucking.

           Then our last type of lady who is all lady for sure, is floored that he doesn’t want a relationship with her.  Oh my goodness, the world is over!  She’ll never love again!  Somebody call the Fire Department, the Police Department, an Ambulance- hell, call a Hearse because somebody’s going to have a melt down in 0.05 seconds!  How will she ever live?  God has abandoned her!  Why, Lord, why!  Somebody toss her ass into the coffin and throw dirt on her, ‘cause everything else is a wrap!

Sigh… I’m exhausted just thinking about it.  But really, when you get right down to it on a basic molecular level, why is it so hard for us ladies to maintain real and healthy relationships?  Or to even get one for that matter!  Why and where, in 2014, has the love gone?

Now it’s my theory that women, much like myself, who grew up in a two parent home witnessed some things that people that grew up in a single family home, didn’t.  For instance I saw my mother be a wife.  My entire life that I lived at home, I watched my mother, day in and out, be a wife to my father.  I watched her cook, clean, and take care of the home.  She wasn’t a homemaker.  Nope.  She had a career.  But I watched her be a wife.  I learned that you have to be tolerant, respectful, be respected, know when to be a hard ass and when to be nurturing.  I learned that you need to keep yourself looking good (as shallow as it sounds, this is important) and always allow your man to be a man.  Without even meaning to, this is the lesson that my mother taught me.  I was raised to be somebody’s wife.

And I didn’t have delusions about marriage or relationships either, as if it would be all
sunshine and rainbows with glitter sparkled butterflies (gag).  I saw my parents have their share of hard times, but I also saw them work through them.  I saw my mother exercise patience when she was fed up.  I saw her pick up the ball and keep it bouncing, if it were dropped.  I saw her work hard, doing her part to keep our family alive.  And I learned what men were and what it means to have a husband by looking at my father.  I watched him provide for us, and make tough decisions.  I saw the way he treated my mother with kindness and care always, even when he was angry with her.  I never saw him hit her, ever, and I always saw him exercise patience when my mother’s attitude was beyond aggravating (hell, she aggravated the hell out of me too! Don’t tell her I said that…).  Without meaning to, my dad showed me how men should treat their women.  He raised me to accept what a genuine man has to offer.  But most of all, I learned that they never gave up.  I was taught just by looking at my parents, that you don’t give up just because a person annoyed you.  But to that end, I also saw them have A LOT of fun!  You work through the hard times for a brighter day and have a blast in between!  And guess what, they made it 35 years so far, still counting...

Who's dazed and confused by dating? This Chick!
Fast forward to the present and we’ve got a helluva problem here.  I have gone off into the world with these traditions and ideals in place.  When I meet a man and we begin formulating what I think is a relationship (and clearly I am the only one who thinks it), I practice being a wife to him.  I practice that because that’s all I know… that’s what I was raised to be.  But in comes the problem.  That guy (most of the time) isn’t from a home like mine.  He had to tough it out with no dad.  He didn’t see his mom be a wife.  He didn’t see his dad be a husband.  So realistically, when I step in with my wife practice, I look insane.  There’s no way this man could accept or appreciate what I have to offer because he’s had no experience with this type of tradition at all.  No, instead, it is something that he could take advantage of, play around with, or even make fun of (ah, son, I got her doing everything for me! She’ll do anything I ask her to do, watch!)… but it’s not something that he can respond to in a healthy way.  So who then, in this scenario, is the idiot for expecting that from him? ME!

I have been hurt in numerous different ways because I approached relationships and potential relationships with an ideal in mind.  That’s my fault.  No one else’s, I can admit.  I can not help how I was raised, but I should understand that everyone doesn’t think of things the same way that I do.  If I had realized this some time ago, I could have spared myself a lot of
Face I make when I have to start over

disappointment and emotional pain… not to mention I could have saved myself from wasting valuable time with people who just weren’t worth it and certainly didn’t deem me worth it.  But I suppose that’s how it is.  Those are the trials and tribulations we have to go through in order to learn.

What then is a traditional girl such as myself supposed to do in a world full of men and women who don’t believe in traditions anymore?  The simple answer would be to find someone who does, but then, do those persons even exist anymore?  I always heard that if you can’t beat em, join em, but I refuse to do that.  Someone else’s disability to commit to a person is their own disability.  It isn’t mine.  I won’t stoop to that level.  I was taught that if a person is worth it, you work with them through hard times- your hard times and his.  If you are worth it, he’ll do the same.  And that’s what I have to look out for… a person who will do that and who isn’t afraid to build a foundation with me- a person who isn’t afraid to love me or receive love from me. 

yeah, yeah, I "stole" the picture so what
I don’t have the slightest clue why commitment is so hard for men.  Or why emotions and feeling, and pledging yourself to another person along with yourself is so difficult.  Stephen King said that the “soil of a man’s heart is stonier; a man grows what he can and tends it.  And what he grows always comes home to him.”  I can agree that it is stonier… harder to grow things.  And if he can grow something, he will try (at least for a little while) to tend it.  I hope that that means all isn’t lost for us ready-made wives.  Not even ready-made, ‘cause that sounds so cookie cutter, but for us ladies who grew up learning to be modern day wives, hopefully we can grow into the heart of a man who can appreciate what we are and what we have to offer: home.

But it’s funny, don’t you think?  “Ready-made, pre-packaged” wives with no husbands.  Life has a funny sense of humor.


Arielle "Ari" Crowell

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Guy Chronicles No. 6: Staring at Fluffy, Jiggly, Clappers To The Front, Booty

So you’re walking in a mall, having the most meaningful conversation about the evolution of sushi or how sesame seed buns got their sesame seeds, when your guy’s head suddenly (and almost violently) whips to the right!  You’re scared he’s having a seizure so your eyes bug out of your head with concern.  And just as you’re about to ask him if he’s okay, does he need a doctor, hell, does he have whip lash, you see the most beautiful woman with the bangingest (yes I said bangingest) body ever walk by with hips swaying, hair swinging, and fluffy booty bouncing like a short stack!

And just that quick, that urgent concern for his health has turned to bitter, red rage eager to make him bleed!  Suddenly there’s that burning desire in your gut to KAMEHAMEHA! him right into the middle of next week, breaking every bone in his body (Dragonball Z reference for those that don’t know… you know- Super Saiyan and all that? No? Alright).  

 He gapes at all that ass in utter amazement at its sheer wind velocity and aerodynamics then turns back to look at you.  You’ve got your hand on your hip, and that foot is tapping furiously, and he’s standing there looking like “Huh?What’d I do?”

Well ladies, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Your guy is a guy.  I know that’s like the most obvious thing you could say to a person, but it’s the truth.  You’ll have to come to terms with that if you hope to have a meaningful relationship.  And yes, your guy (if he’s a good guy and your relationship is real) loves you, but he didn’t stop being a guy just because you came along.  And he certainly didn’t go blind to the beauty of other women just because he thinks you’re beautiful.  Nope!  He still sees it.  And let me tell you, it’s everywhere! 

What you have to understand is that it’s structurally wired into a man’s brain to notice anything that appeals
to them sexually.  They can’t help it.  It’s not even that they mean to do it.  It’s just that that’s the way it is for them.  They are very visual.  And unlike us ladies, they can recall an image of something they have seen and found sexually stimulating at the oddest times and without even trying.  If they see a woman in the store or something on TV or maybe even porn they have seen.  If they found it stimulating, they can recall that memory out of the blue at any time.  It’s just the way they are made.  So knowing this, we really can’t get mad at them.  After all, he doesn’t get mad at you because you snore does he?  Or because you might be lactose intolerant or allergic to his mom’s eggplant tunamelt casserole right?  Of course not!  These are all things that you can’t help doing.  Well noticing the opposite sex is the same way for a guy.  They just can’t help it.

Now the good news is (and again this is only if you have a good guy and he’s the one) is that your guy isn’t looking at the other woman thinking “man I wish I had that instead of my girl.”  No, no, no.  He could PICK that woman out of a line up of 100 women because she looks good, but he actually CHOSE you to be with.  That’s got to say something both about him and you.  Obviously you’re special.  And it isn’t ALL about looks.  You could be the most drop dead gorgeous thing in the world, and he would still notice another woman.  And yes, you have to come to terms with the fact that you don’t look better than every woman in the world.  He’s going to notice the ones that outshine you in the looks department too.  Might as well prepare for that.  That being said, who does he come home to every night?  Who is he walking with?  That’s what’s important to remember.

Now this is easier said than done, I know that.  We all get that hot flush all over our faces when we realize our guy has noticed someone else when we are standing right there beside him.  Or we overhear a comment they made to their friends about how awesome a chick’s fluffy ass is.  We may even boil with the fire of 1000 suns if we overhear them say just what they could do with an ass like that.  After all, that’s disrespectful and inappropriate isn’t it?  What are you to him, chopped liver?  But no.  We can’t get mad.  Because honestly, when they see those asses, the reality is they do think about sex.  Yep.  How it would look bouncing on them.  How it would sound when they smacked it.  All that…  All the stuff we absolutely don’t want to think our good guys are thinking when they see another woman, you guessed it, they’re thinking it!  Doesn’t that just rip out your heart?  But really, what can you do about it?  Gotta choose your battles.  We can’t control what a person thinks.  We can’t even control what a person does.  What we can do is accept that there are some things we can’t regulate (ie. A person’s thoughts) and judge them (and I use judge very loosely) by their actions instead.

Now sure, you’re hurt that you overhead him talking to his friend about how great Cindy Lou Who’s tits were, but bottom line, if he hasn’t acted on it (and 9 times out of 10 he’s not going to, he’s just talking) let it go.  We ladies say things to our friends all the time that we wouldn’t want our guy to hear because it’s inappropriate.  But even though it’s inappropriate and it may sound bad to someone who doesn’t understand, we don’t really mean it the way it sounds.  It’s just shootin’ the shit.  Same with your guy.  Just shootin’ the shit.  Noticing a fluffy ass or big, gargantuan melon tits.  Nothing to have a melt down over.  I mean, when The Rock takes off his shirt and he’s all oiled down looking like he could throw you against a wall and do freak nasty things to you, don’t you notice?  Hell yeah you do!  But it doesn’t mean you don’t want or love or desire your guy.  Same thing.  You’re still his No. 1 Ride or Die, it’s just that shorty got a big ole butt!!!!  

 So ladies, when you’re out with your guy and he’s all in some girl’s face looking at her ass and breasts (and I mean tastefully because if he is being downright disrespectful in front of you, he’s a waste of time anyway) don’t get angry.  I used to feel a way about it, but I learned early to just let it go.  I always point out that some chick has a big ass.  I say “damn, look at that.  She’s got a big butt!”  And usually, the guy will look too and agree.  And I prefer to do it that way because a. I’ve addressed the issue, b. I've acknowledged that the girl’s ass is indeed big and bountiful, c. I've pointed it out to him so he can admire it, and d. we’re moving on.  No harm no foul, and I can still have a great day with my guy.  He might recall the image of the chick later, but you can bet your bottom dollar he’s not going to let me know it, and therefore it’s not bothering me.  At the end of the day, we’re going home together and big fluffy ass is still in the store doing whatever she’s doing.  :Shrugs:

If it’s any consolation, you could be that same big booty delicious looking girl to some other guy walking with his lady.  And trust me, your guy knows that other guys may look at you the same way he’s looking at other women.  It’s an interesting cycle- one that I didn’t always realize was going on… and still don’t sometimes (I get distracted a lot), but it’s all harmless.  Bottom line, trust your guy, ladies!  If he’s a good one, he won’t hurt you!  Trust in his abilities to love you and only you.  And remember, you're still his boo!

Arielle "Ari" Crowell

Thursday, May 8, 2014

The Guy Chronicles V: Little Miss Independent Is About To Be Little Miss Never Keep a Man

The Guy Chronicles V:  Little Miss Independent Is About To Be Little Miss Never Keep a Man 

Good evening!  Good morning!  Howdy Do?  How is everyone doing?  Yes it’s me, back again with another article to add to The Guy Chronicles.  Today I think it may behoove us to talk about all of our independent women out there.  Now first I’d like to say that the newly found independence of women has been a very liberating one.  We no longer have to rely on a man to support ourselves or ask permission to do things.  We have our own assets that give us power.  We can exercise religious, financial, societal, and sexual freedom according to our own desires, and that my friends, is a beautiful thing.  I have been an active part of the “movement” myself.  But as you can see, I’m still single just like most of the rest of em… so what does that tell ya?

I’m going to keep it 100 the way I always do.  From my observations, men say they want an
independent woman, and maybe they do to a certain extent, but I’m pretty sure that it’s only a half truth.  Yep, I was singing right along with Neyo in his Miss Independent song... I felt like yep, he's talking about me 'cause I'm my own woman and make my own rules!  Honey, no.  Turn that mess off right now.  Listening to that will have you living in an old nursing home, alone with 12 cats for company.  It's misleading propaganda if ever I heard any.  Let me explain…

Most of us ladies, especially if you’re a single mother like I am, have had to fend for ourselves for quite some time.  We work to pay these bills, work to feed this child, work to have a bit of spending cash, work to survive.  When you need air in your tire or your oil changed, nobody is going to do it unless we do it for ourselves.  We make our own money, take care of our own household, and essentially ensure that things run smoothly for ourselves without waiting around for a man to come and do it for us.  I get it… If you’re like me and romantically challenged, if you waited on a man to take care of you, you’d be waiting til DoomsDay and “aint nobody got time for that,”  (totally been waiting to use that phrase by the way).  But what happens when we are so independent in our minds and actions that we push all candidates of the opposite sex away?  What options do we have left then?

June Cleaver
Now if you’re reading this blog, I can only assume that your goal or desire is to have a mate.  I know that’s my desire, hope, dream, goal.  I’d love to have a guy who loves and cares about me just because I’m me.  Who wouldn’t?  But I’m going to keep it real- in order to achieve that, I and every other self-proclaimed independent woman out there is going to have to tone down all that “power and control” we seem to exert and learn to be traditional ladies.  I mean you don’t have to be June Cleaver, but you don’t need to be Angela Davis either.

Angela Davis
If you’ve read any of the other articles in The Guy Chronicles, you’ve learned or know that by nature it is ingrained into a man’s DNA to protect and provide for his lady (at least the good ones).  There’s no changing that.  And though we, as women, are quite strong and capable of doing a lot of things by ourselves, there’s no way to keep a man around if he doesn’t feel both needed and wanted.  I mean we could cut the grass, but do we really need to if Darius is there?  We as women could change this light fixture, but do we really need to when Jamal is sitting ten feet away?  I mean it’s not impossible for us to change this flat tire, but why would we when Andre has the car jack in his hand?  You get my meaning here?  There is really no point in us attempting to do the “guy stuff” if we have a guy right there willing and ready to do it for us.  And if he cares enough to do it for you, take my word, you damn well better let him do it.  All you’re going to do by rejecting it is make him feel like less of a man around you.  How does he look sitting in the car while you pump the gas?  How does he look as a man flipping channels on the TV while you take out the trash?  Yeah, no.  Not a good look ladies.  The moment he starts to feel like less of a man around you, because clearly what is he good for if you’re going to do everything yourself, you can kiss your relationship goodbye.  Oh he might
Angie Rodriguez has got your man!
not leave you… yet… but Angie Rodriguez over there who has the banging body equal to or better than yours who allows him to be a man is about to be the new side piece until she gets elevated to main squeeze.  Where then do you think you’ll be?  Your overly independent self will be sitting on the sidelines with the rest of the ladies like you watching their man roll off with the next broad.

Think you're Superwoman huh?
Now doesn’t it seem needy as hell to need a man to do certain things?  I can admit that sometimes it does.  But then again, perhaps that is because we haven’t really ever given ourselves the chance to actually be females.  We are delicate, special, and deserve to be treated with respect, concern and care.  We are beautiful tulips being sheltered by a large oak tree in the middle of a rainstorm.  That’s the role we play- or should be playing anyway.  Let that man do what it is men are supposed to do.  Instead we are busy trying to be career woman, super mom, handy woman Rosy the Riveter, and the list goes on and on... blah blah blah.

Always protecting you
I know what you’re thinking.  If you let a man take care of you he’ll think you’re a gold digger.  Well nowhere in this post did you see me say take the man for every dime he’s got.  It really isn’t a monetary thing- or at least it shouldn’t be.  I think that it’s really about showing him that you trust in his abilities (again another reference to a previous post).  Do you trust him to be the man and do the things that men do?  Do you trust him to protect you, keep you safe, and keep your household running?  Of course you do!  So let him!  It’s really just that simple.  And honestly, you're a team anyway, #hometeam in fact.  What he doesn't do, you do, and what you don't do, he does.

Traditionally speaking, women are not meant to be the head anyway.  It isn’t because we aren’t capable of it.  We have clearly proven that should the ish hit the fan, we’ve got this.  That’s not the point.  The point is, if you have a great guy there with you, he has a position to fill- a role to play.  And God (or whatever higher being you believe in) has molded him to care for you.  Whether you like it or not, you are inferior in strength to a man.  We women are strong creatures, but our strength is different.  We must excel within our relationships within the categories in which we are meant to excel.  The man is meant to run the house.  He may need counsel to do so, he may need support, encouragement, and lots of care, and clearly this is where your role finds its definition, but he (not you) is meant to run that house.  We need to start accepting this and allow it to happen.

Now that’s not to say that you are some type of doormat or slave to a man.  Hell no!  I would never condone such.  That’s not to say that you don’t have your own mind, and own thoughts about how things should go.  I don’t think I ever said that voicing your opinion was a bad thing.
Oh no no no honey!
  On the contrary, that man doesn’t know everything.  He’s going to get it wrong sometimes, no doubt because he is human.  By all means, if he is a good man to you, he should respect your opinion.  But that doesn’t mean your opinion should undermine what he is trying to do if what he is trying to do is for the good of his household.  We have to learn to have finesse and pick our battles.  And we need to learn to be headstrong and show strength of will and character without breaking our men down and emasculating them.  It can be really hard to find middle ground with this, and I, of course, understand that.  I am still finding my way myself, but we must try to understand the opposite sex if we ever hope to settle down.

So let’s learn to turn down all that brazen “I am Woman, Hear Me Roar” crap.  I mean, I’m with it, no doubt, but there comes a time when we must let it simmer down.  When the good guy comes, let him take some of the pressure off of you.  Let him relieve you of some of the burden of everyday life because if he loves you, cares for you, or is thinking of making you his one and only, these are the things he’s going to want to do.  I’m telling you, when I get my chance, Angie Rodriguez is not going to get my guy.  No ma’am.  Angie Rodriguez better get her own guy,
because I won’t be sending mine to her anytime soon by being so damn independent that my man feels useless around me.  I want a real man to be my companion, I’m not trying to be my own man and my own companion.  That’s the loneliest crap I’ve ever heard.  And with 7 billion people on this Earth, I’m pretty sure God didn’t intend for us to go it alone.  So let’s get busy being ladies, ladies.  I know we are out of practice, but it’s time to get things in order.  Think it over and let me know your thoughts ;) Let's get some Happily Ever After stories happening! Toodles!

Arielle “Ari” Crowell

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Guy Chronicles No. 4: If Batman is Flying Blind, You Better Be Too!

Well hello again ladies!  Yes it’s me!  About to bring you yet another blog post full of my thoughts and opinions in regard to men.  I know that I talked a lot about Blind Support in a couple of my other posts, but I never really went into extensive detail as to what that is.  And no, it doesn’t mean you’ll be needing a Seeing Eye Dog.  I do, however, think it is something that you need to do if you are in a relationship, or hope to have a successful one.  Let’s get this show on the road and see what’s what!

The Guy Chronicles No. 4: If Batman is Flying Blind, You Better Be Too! 

So if your guy is Batman, (and if you love him, he damn well better be just that cool to you that you think of him that way), then you have to have complete trust and faith in him.  That means that without question, without fail, you need to back him up 100% even if you aren’t sure of what he’s doing.  You have to blindly support him and that’s just the reality of the situation.  Now you’ve probably just rolled your eyes so hard that they’re stuck in your head and frowned so much that your face looks like crumpled paper.  I get it, I know…  Don’t think that I don’t.  That sounds CRAZY to blindly support somebody. I mean, he could be doing anything.  But just the same, you have to have faith that he knows what he's doing. 

So let's take stock here with an example.  Suppose you’re not with the guy, and he’s treated you like a jerk.  Maybe he was good at basketball and finally got accepted to a semi pro team.  You still love him or still think of him like a friend, but the jerk left you for a leaner, meaner, sexier version of you as soon as he signed those papers.  Screw him right?  Sure!  Screw him!!  What do you care about what’s going on in his life?  Except,
maybe you do.  (Now this isn’t for every girl because every girl won’t do this.  But if you loved the asshole and still have love for him, it doesn’t hurt to offer support sometimes.)  Now say due to his nerves, he has a rough couple of games.  He’s doing badly, and you can tell from his Facebook statuses that maybe he’s depressed.  (He’s not going to come right out and say he’s depressed because he’s a man, but you having loved the jerk can tell when something is bothering him without him even saying so).  So you decide, that as a friend, you’ll go see him play.  So you go to the game.  He’s got the ball, and he’s making bad passes, not getting rebounds, and missing layups.  You can see the anguish all over his face as he sweats profusely trying to prove himself.  That leaner, meaner, sexier you he has is looking disgusted.  She didn’t sign up to be with a loser.  

So what do you do?  Next time he has the ball, stand up and yell out “Let’s Go!”  Show that you’re hyped that he has the ball!  Smile so big and bright that it lights up that court.  When he sees you there, blindly supporting him (because he knows damn well he doesn’t deserve it), it will change everything about what he’s doing.  You’ll breathe new life into him.  And whether he wins or loses, he’ll be a winner that day.  Now he may not dump Leaner Meaner Sexier You in order to get back with you (or he might, who knows), but he damn sure will have something to think about and will appreciate it.

Now that’s just an example of what that does for an asshole guy that you’re not even with.  If Blind Support can do that for Asshole Guy, imagine what it can do for your Batman- the man worthy of your Blind Support (even when he’s being a jerk).  Imagine how much respect and appreciation he will have for you as his Lady when he realizes
exactly who he has in front of him.  Someone not with him for money, or for material things, or because he is fine as hell...  He has someone there with him just because he is him and will support him when he deserves it and especially when he doesn’t.  That right there is Gold, my friends.  That right there is what keeps em coming home at night.  At least I think so…

I really do think that Blind Support goes hand in hand with my previous blog post, #HomeTeam.  It’s all the same stuff, just broken down differently.  It’s just another form of respect and love.  It shows that you are down for the cause.  Ride or Die… (hopefully not die, but if it came down to it who knows).  I know for
me, as much as I detest confrontation, if I am with a guy and I love the hell out of him, no one is ever going to get in my man’s face without me right beside him giving it right back.  I may not know what he did, or who he did it to, but it doesn’t matter because I know that he’s a good guy (and let’s pray that you’ve picked a good one) and no one is going to disrespect him on my watch!  Now if he tells you he can handle it (and most times he will), then let him handle it.  He’s a man after all and it’s written in his DNA to handle things alone, but that doesn’t mean that you’re off the hook.  No.  You need to be very aware of what’s going on and ready to get in there and go for it with him if need be.  That’s how you need to think of it.

So many ladies out there want that protection from their guy, but don’t understand that though it isn’t always needed, men need protection too.  The Queen protects the King- The King protects the Queen- The Kingdom stands forever, that’s how I look at it. And you can’t be afraid to do that.  You can’t be afraid to trust him and have faith in him to the point that you can blindly say, “you know what, I’ve got your back,” because if you chose wisely, and he’s worth it, then he deserves to have that part of you.  He deserves you right there beside him because if it were you, he would be right there with you.  That’s how you build a strong foundation that is unshakable by even the most damaging of life events.  Mutual Blind Support makes you and your Batman a power couple.  So start charging that relationship up!

Now I’m not saying that you have to go along with every little thing that he does.  No, that would be nuts.  He’s not going to always have great ideas, and if you two are as deep as you should be, there is a way to tell him that without belittling him.  You aren’t a doormat either, so don’t go thinking that that means you have to agree with everything.  No.  You are still a fluid human being with common sense, intelligence, and a will of your own.  This advice of Blind Support is just a way to incorporate some of your man’s needs into your relationship so that it can be stronger.  He does need to know that you have his
back, but that doesn’t mean that if he goes out there and picks a fight with a whole motorcycle gang that you’re supposed to grab a Baretta and start busting off.  I mean you could, but that’s a great way to end up in jail… or in a casket, whichever comes first.  Nobody is saying to support him through that.  Everything within moderation and reason.  If he’s a good guy, he’ll never put you in a messed up situation.  If the love he has for you is pure and true and deep where he respects you, your well being, and your submission (in a sense) to him, it’s okay to step out on that faith and blindly support him.  He’s not going to put you in harm’s way.

So let’s try to incorporate this notion into our relationships, Ladies, and make things better and stronger.  Don’t go screaming and yelling like a banshee at Khalil because he got laid off today.  You might be pissed.  Might want to ask a million questions, but don’t   At least not right away.  Give him dinner, run his bath, massage him down and make him comfy and relaxed.  He had a hard day after all.  When he is ready to speak on the event (and he damn well better speak on it cause it’s a big blow to your household), be there to listen, encourage, uplift and love.  Breathe new life into him.  That’s Blind Support.  And that’s what every relationship needs.  Operation Get and Keep That Man is now in process!  Tootles!


Arielle L. Crowell