Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Guy Chronicles No. 6: Staring at Fluffy, Jiggly, Clappers To The Front, Booty

So you’re walking in a mall, having the most meaningful conversation about the evolution of sushi or how sesame seed buns got their sesame seeds, when your guy’s head suddenly (and almost violently) whips to the right!  You’re scared he’s having a seizure so your eyes bug out of your head with concern.  And just as you’re about to ask him if he’s okay, does he need a doctor, hell, does he have whip lash, you see the most beautiful woman with the bangingest (yes I said bangingest) body ever walk by with hips swaying, hair swinging, and fluffy booty bouncing like a short stack!

And just that quick, that urgent concern for his health has turned to bitter, red rage eager to make him bleed!  Suddenly there’s that burning desire in your gut to KAMEHAMEHA! him right into the middle of next week, breaking every bone in his body (Dragonball Z reference for those that don’t know… you know- Super Saiyan and all that? No? Alright).  

 He gapes at all that ass in utter amazement at its sheer wind velocity and aerodynamics then turns back to look at you.  You’ve got your hand on your hip, and that foot is tapping furiously, and he’s standing there looking like “Huh?What’d I do?”

Well ladies, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Your guy is a guy.  I know that’s like the most obvious thing you could say to a person, but it’s the truth.  You’ll have to come to terms with that if you hope to have a meaningful relationship.  And yes, your guy (if he’s a good guy and your relationship is real) loves you, but he didn’t stop being a guy just because you came along.  And he certainly didn’t go blind to the beauty of other women just because he thinks you’re beautiful.  Nope!  He still sees it.  And let me tell you, it’s everywhere! 

What you have to understand is that it’s structurally wired into a man’s brain to notice anything that appeals
to them sexually.  They can’t help it.  It’s not even that they mean to do it.  It’s just that that’s the way it is for them.  They are very visual.  And unlike us ladies, they can recall an image of something they have seen and found sexually stimulating at the oddest times and without even trying.  If they see a woman in the store or something on TV or maybe even porn they have seen.  If they found it stimulating, they can recall that memory out of the blue at any time.  It’s just the way they are made.  So knowing this, we really can’t get mad at them.  After all, he doesn’t get mad at you because you snore does he?  Or because you might be lactose intolerant or allergic to his mom’s eggplant tunamelt casserole right?  Of course not!  These are all things that you can’t help doing.  Well noticing the opposite sex is the same way for a guy.  They just can’t help it.

Now the good news is (and again this is only if you have a good guy and he’s the one) is that your guy isn’t looking at the other woman thinking “man I wish I had that instead of my girl.”  No, no, no.  He could PICK that woman out of a line up of 100 women because she looks good, but he actually CHOSE you to be with.  That’s got to say something both about him and you.  Obviously you’re special.  And it isn’t ALL about looks.  You could be the most drop dead gorgeous thing in the world, and he would still notice another woman.  And yes, you have to come to terms with the fact that you don’t look better than every woman in the world.  He’s going to notice the ones that outshine you in the looks department too.  Might as well prepare for that.  That being said, who does he come home to every night?  Who is he walking with?  That’s what’s important to remember.

Now this is easier said than done, I know that.  We all get that hot flush all over our faces when we realize our guy has noticed someone else when we are standing right there beside him.  Or we overhear a comment they made to their friends about how awesome a chick’s fluffy ass is.  We may even boil with the fire of 1000 suns if we overhear them say just what they could do with an ass like that.  After all, that’s disrespectful and inappropriate isn’t it?  What are you to him, chopped liver?  But no.  We can’t get mad.  Because honestly, when they see those asses, the reality is they do think about sex.  Yep.  How it would look bouncing on them.  How it would sound when they smacked it.  All that…  All the stuff we absolutely don’t want to think our good guys are thinking when they see another woman, you guessed it, they’re thinking it!  Doesn’t that just rip out your heart?  But really, what can you do about it?  Gotta choose your battles.  We can’t control what a person thinks.  We can’t even control what a person does.  What we can do is accept that there are some things we can’t regulate (ie. A person’s thoughts) and judge them (and I use judge very loosely) by their actions instead.

Now sure, you’re hurt that you overhead him talking to his friend about how great Cindy Lou Who’s tits were, but bottom line, if he hasn’t acted on it (and 9 times out of 10 he’s not going to, he’s just talking) let it go.  We ladies say things to our friends all the time that we wouldn’t want our guy to hear because it’s inappropriate.  But even though it’s inappropriate and it may sound bad to someone who doesn’t understand, we don’t really mean it the way it sounds.  It’s just shootin’ the shit.  Same with your guy.  Just shootin’ the shit.  Noticing a fluffy ass or big, gargantuan melon tits.  Nothing to have a melt down over.  I mean, when The Rock takes off his shirt and he’s all oiled down looking like he could throw you against a wall and do freak nasty things to you, don’t you notice?  Hell yeah you do!  But it doesn’t mean you don’t want or love or desire your guy.  Same thing.  You’re still his No. 1 Ride or Die, it’s just that shorty got a big ole butt!!!!  

 So ladies, when you’re out with your guy and he’s all in some girl’s face looking at her ass and breasts (and I mean tastefully because if he is being downright disrespectful in front of you, he’s a waste of time anyway) don’t get angry.  I used to feel a way about it, but I learned early to just let it go.  I always point out that some chick has a big ass.  I say “damn, look at that.  She’s got a big butt!”  And usually, the guy will look too and agree.  And I prefer to do it that way because a. I’ve addressed the issue, b. I've acknowledged that the girl’s ass is indeed big and bountiful, c. I've pointed it out to him so he can admire it, and d. we’re moving on.  No harm no foul, and I can still have a great day with my guy.  He might recall the image of the chick later, but you can bet your bottom dollar he’s not going to let me know it, and therefore it’s not bothering me.  At the end of the day, we’re going home together and big fluffy ass is still in the store doing whatever she’s doing.  :Shrugs:

If it’s any consolation, you could be that same big booty delicious looking girl to some other guy walking with his lady.  And trust me, your guy knows that other guys may look at you the same way he’s looking at other women.  It’s an interesting cycle- one that I didn’t always realize was going on… and still don’t sometimes (I get distracted a lot), but it’s all harmless.  Bottom line, trust your guy, ladies!  If he’s a good one, he won’t hurt you!  Trust in his abilities to love you and only you.  And remember, you're still his boo!

Arielle "Ari" Crowell